I went for a WALK today. I always sort of hope to relive the feel of the best walk I ever took, with my dad outside the hospital my mother's father was dying in. I didn't know that grandfather well, almost thought something was wrong with how unaffected I felt, but mainly just felt the air was so cool, and my legs, it was like I had never walked right before but was sure doing it then. It felt great. I felt very living. I could have walked for hours. I wondered what I'd been doing wrong before, with walking. Stumbling, bumbling, awkward, self-anxious. It was so easy, my muscles stretched and flexed and there was a natural rhythm to the motion, comforting, mindless. I saw myself becoming a great walker, a walk every night, a walk every morning, in afternoons when I could, maybe I'd start bringing a dog.

Never had a walk so good since. I do like walking, though, but I'm not smooth and assured, usually. Just, sort of, making my way along.

It is really hard to get my life in order. That was pretty much my expectation, this break. I pictured it taking place in about a day or two. Instead I've been depressively sabotaging most of my productive actions, being anxious and nutty and etc. Haven't even got my apartment tidy.
Oh, well.
Tomorrow will be only the 5th out of 10 days off, so all is not yet wasted. I'll, you know, make my way along.

oh P.S.:
I feel I should give a movie recommendation, before I forget. I have seen this movie one and a half times now, and I heartily suggest it for your viewing pleasure, when you are in the mood for an old romantic British movie that will make you cry a little. The leading lady, Celia Johnson, is adorable. She giggles great. Seems very kind and matter-of-fact, rather than being flighty and emotional during her love affair. That makes her despair, when it comes around, way more powerful. Not that it's a depressing movie, and not that it entirely isn't. It's one of those good mixes. Try it, you'll see!