*

I am liking this song a lot.

I am fighting moroseness...morosity...morosification
and some stupid vague anxiety, and the feeling that I will cry if I pay any attention to anything having to do with christmas, and I'm not sure why that is. In past years I have become more and more iffy about Christmas, just not all that excited, not feeling the same of course as I did as a kid. But this year those iffy feelings have changed to something less indifferent. I now do not like it. It feels like a dangerous time, when many people are pushed to feel more on the margins. Plus, I don't believe in god, so christianity kind of scares me. I don't like that, but considering U.S. culture at this time, it's not an entirely indefensible intolerance, if that's even what it can be said to be.

The thing is, it's so pretty, a lot of the "holiday season," I do see that. In so many ways that I cannot begin to describe now. This prettiness, alongside the loneliness/alienation, makes something I don't know how to think about yet. It feels like something to be weathered, cautiously. There are good parts, but all in all I do not like it.


So I've been thinking about this today, probably because I downloaded stupid Sufjan Stevens' christmas songs. Tinkley little devil.
Also today I've been liking the song I just gave you.
Also today I have a lot of work to do and it has been so cold the frost on the ground mainly stayed through the afternoon.
Also today I am getting a sneezing runny-nose kind of vague cold.
Also today I got my work sample back and have an A on it.
Also today I am getting used to the idea of not knowing someone I thought I would know for longer, trying to feel it's not my fault. Some day or moment soon I hope I can feel better about myself than I do at this time. Probably I can.
Also today I might have a bubble bath, if I decide I can risk it.
I am not doing my work quickly enough, it's just that I can't take it seriously.