So I've been completing a lot of homework, which is kind of nice because hey I'm doing stuff, but it kind of sucks, because it's boring stuff, it's nothing stuff. And I want to be a person doing what she loves, I want my future career to not feel like torture. In undergrad, I took a lot of classes I was interested in. I genuinely loved what I did, however much I hated deadlines and riddled myself with self-doubt etc. I loved reading what we read, and thinking about it, and I loved to feel like I was a writer; I loved to be a writer. Things might start to get better here once I am actually in the schools, working, teaching; that is totally different than the classes I take, it is so very much better and harder, I know from experience. So yes, I will probably be ok. But right now I'm a little freaking out, because I hate my classes, and to say I feel out of place is such an understatement I can't even begin to know how to express it.
And I don't write anymore, really.
I get so worried and turned-around feeling, and like maybe again I have trapped myself where I don't want to be, cannot get to a place I want to be. And this is about my career/purpose whatever, but also of course about my personal life, my life with other people. But I won't go too much into that; you know I'm lonely. I start off in new places all alone and when I think about it as if I'm someone else, it seems almost brave, just going out there, but it's not, because bravery would involve creating something new rather than hiding from everyone alone.
This might just be a hard time, and soon things will start to make some sense. I keep saying that though. But that might not mean it's not true. Anyhow. TIME TO PUT THIS ON THE INTERNET, SO YOU ALL CAN FEEL SAD TOO. I have no idea why I blog things like this, it's just if I don't then I can't blog anything.