i bet you 10 bucks i'll end up deleting this

At some point in the last year, my best options all narrowed down to one: go to the teaching program at Willamette in Salem, Oregon.

It was the only place I even applied. Not the only place I looked at, that I considered applying to...but none of the others would work, I decided. They seemed too competitive; they wanted three recommendations and I could only at most bring myself to ask two people; they had pre-reqs; they were too expensive. Willamette wasn't too far away, not in an expensive area, in a pretty state, in a liberal state; I knew someone who had attended the program, so it wasn't completely unfamiliar, and wasn't complete crap. It wasn't as expensive as other programs, not just the cost of living but the actual tuition; best of all it would only take me 10 months. 10 months, and then I could find a job in New York; I could move there with a purpose, with a prospective income. With the master's an over 40k income. Maybe not as thrilling considering how expensive New York is, but. Still.
So, Oregon; this program; I fulfilled all requirements, I felt I had a good chance getting in yet it wasn't a stupid DeVry-like program, it would give me lots of student teaching hours....10 months. Overcast skies and I'd meet new people, I'd be fine. I'd be better.

So you know I am here now, thinking over and over every day: why? I'm here for all the above reasons, but: no, for reals, why? Couldn't I have tried to get into some other school? Didn't I know I would have maybe a hard time relating to other people in teaching school? I mean, go figure, teaching draws conventional types. And how else did I think I would meet people, in a place like Salem? The life I was leading in Bakersfield was so warped at that point though that I guess I figured any change would open to me the life I wanted. Exit from Bako had to = freedom and joy, right? But of course no. I was so, so relieved when I heard I got into this program.

I know every day we make our lives, any day can change our lives, that most of the problem is just within my own head, my own behavior. But I am disgusted with my program, I am already too tired and overloaded to think of getting a part-time job on the side so I won't meet people that way, I have no mentor-type I want to emulate, not my professors and not any teachers at my site, no fellow students seem to be like me, only in some ways but not really, not enough, and I don't remember how to make friend friends anyway. Only people I see at school and chat with, not friend friends. I ideally would be really excited about people I tried to friend friend, you know? People I'd think are cool. People I'd want to talk more to. I remember people like that, but I don't feel that way about people here. Maybe I'm the jerk, then.

Nothing is getting any easier, and it makes me sad and makes me angry, when it doesn't just make me tired.

This is not supposed to be the type of thing I post about anymore, I don't want to be extremely angsty and personal on here but my goodness this is hard.

I will try not to rant like this every month.
Maybe I will be happy soon.