apathy was way easier

Today is the first day I meet my new class. We have two classes we student-teach in, in this program: the main one, which we visit first and do a work sample in last; the practicum, which comes in the middle and is much shorter but where we do our first work sample. A work sample is a bunch of lesson plans, with a bunch of technical shit thrown in, with observations by the master teacher and a professor.

I don't know if I should be a teacher at all. I especially do not know if I should be an elementary teacher. I will never wear seasonal earrings. I will never, as one of my odious professors puts it, "spunk up". I do not believe bright red, bright yellow, and bright blue are the only three colors children can appreciate.

I am nervous about going into this new classroom. I am worried I will go in, and all the problems I have been having with the ideologies, the essence, of my main 3 willamette professors, that I can't back up my objections with actual good teaching.

I am trying to not be nervous, but I am only thinking this morning of my lacks, conservativism, and my friend who is probably dropping out of the program this week. I have been telling myself, "It will get better once you're in the classroom, once you're with the kids." I haven't felt that yet. And what if I won't. And how do I keep interacting with people I dislike so much, who anger and sadden me so much? There are a few other people in the program who are ok and even sometimes good to talk to, but not as good as the person dropping out. There is a good professor who I talk to. But this is the kind of thing I will be facing constantly in this profession, people who are not in it to empower kids, who only say they are. People who want to conserve the status quo, and it sounds so deafeningly lefty to put it that way, but god. Don't they have problems with how society is? Do they even think, for a moment, about....about anything behind what their lives are?

I have to find something decent to wear and leave on time.

Thanks, people who have already listened to me rant at length on this topic among other things. It helps, even if I continue to sound like it doesn't.