this and that. i'll try to not be boring some other time.

I gave myself permission, the other day, to leave New York in November if I was stuck in reserve and still felt even half as miserable as I do now. But, after doing that, November seemed like as long as I could possibly stand. I started wondering, what if I did get a classroom? If I did, would I then be trapped into not being able to leave until June? Could I even handle a first year of real teaching, when I'm having such a hard time simply living here?

So now I'm avoiding setting up interviews; I'm telling myself: going to the next placement fair and filling out the form there, saying who all I talk to, that will be their only evidence of my effort. If I look like I'm trying there, that's good enough.

I am telling myself, let's just sub. reserve all the way. And home to Portland in November.
I've never even really lived in Portland.

I can't tell what I'm doing anymore, what decisions I'm making are at all ok.

I've been wearing this ring a lot lately, I've had it for years. It's what they call Black Hills Gold, which often is tinted pink and green, often shaped into a rose or several, and yeah what I've got is a little rose, with two little leaves. I like it on my hand because the colors kind of blend with my skin, or something. I was wearing it in Portland, my last few days there, and I guess when I wore it to the Rose Garden that permanently affixed Portland to it for me. So I keep wearing it, here. I think one day I did not wear it. I don't know if it's stupid or what that I cling to Oregon and everything there. I don't know if it's right for me there and now I know it, or if I am just a wimp. I'm kind of thinking, both.